Why Does Sick Find Sick
You've heard the saying, "Sick finds sick" and if we are among the lucky, we have only observed this in other people's lives, watching them jump from one toxic person to the next. Then there are the unfortunate who finds themselves in one unhealthy situation after another, whether it's the friends they choose, personality conflicts at work, or in their romantic relationships. As a therapist, many times over the years people would seem incredulous as they'd say, "How did I end up here again?"
Well, let's back up here! The real question is, "What is the payoff to you being a party in this toxic relationship" That's right! "What are you getting out of it?" Years ago, I counseled a couple with severe marital problems and she was in her 5th marriage. I ran into them at a Christmas concert and my practice of not acknowledging clients in public - for their privacy - went out the window when they came up to chat. After introducing them as 'friends of mine' to my friend Martha who attending with me, the wife engaged in conversation with Martha and it didn't take long for her to go over the long list of men who had abused her in her life, including her uncle, her brothers best friend, and she elaborated on the type of abuse from each husband. One was an abusive alcoholic, one physically abusive, one she claimed was gas lighting her, and the list continued. Her payoff became evident to me.
The next session, as she went over her list again, I asked her what the payoff was for her in these relationships. She looked at me like I had just landed from Mars. "Payoff?!?" she asked. "Who would want this?" Well, no one really wants it. But the payoff is obviously greater than the trauma. So again the question, "What is the payoff?" For the next couple of sessions, we probed further until she finally realized that her payoff was that being a victim gave her an identity. She admitted to not having any sense of who she was beyond being abused. Her homework was to not speak at all of her abuse for the next two months but, rather, talk about her talents as a dancer, her travels to Europe, and the years she spent working in an orphanage as a young adult. Again, she looked petrified. But with each session, she shared how she felt more and more confident and like she finally had something valuable to offer in conversation. Furthermore, she was amazed at the people who dropped out of her life when she wasn't focused on being a victim (the sick people) and the people who showed up with similar interests that had become her new friends (the healthy people). For the first time, she expressed feeling equal to them.
In other situations, the payoff of being party to dysfunctional or toxic relationships is having someone who will put up with your own dysfunction or bullshit When your partner or friends are swirling in their own drama, whose going to notice yours? Some people have such a need to feel like a hero that appearing as the healthy rescuer is their payoff. For others, keeping a toxic sick person in their life also keeps generous sick people in their inner circle who will continue to clean up their messes and offer support of time or money. Any of us can find ourselves in a toxic situation from time-to-time and the healthy get out of it as soon as they recognize it. But the one thing that has become crystal clear to me is that those who are repeat offenders are in it for the 'payoff', and this payoff comes at a great cost!
If you find yourself chronically doing the funky chicken dance with toxic people, ask yourself what the payoff is. Be truthful to yourself, then ask what the payoff would be if you made better choices by not allowing toxic people into your inner spheres. Review your true life passions and understand that you will need to learn new behaviors to support better decisions of whom you choose to dance with. It takes some effort, but it is effort well spent and the payoff will be far greater than any you will ever get from allowing toxic people in your life.
Well, let's back up here! The real question is, "What is the payoff to you being a party in this toxic relationship" That's right! "What are you getting out of it?" Years ago, I counseled a couple with severe marital problems and she was in her 5th marriage. I ran into them at a Christmas concert and my practice of not acknowledging clients in public - for their privacy - went out the window when they came up to chat. After introducing them as 'friends of mine' to my friend Martha who attending with me, the wife engaged in conversation with Martha and it didn't take long for her to go over the long list of men who had abused her in her life, including her uncle, her brothers best friend, and she elaborated on the type of abuse from each husband. One was an abusive alcoholic, one physically abusive, one she claimed was gas lighting her, and the list continued. Her payoff became evident to me.
The next session, as she went over her list again, I asked her what the payoff was for her in these relationships. She looked at me like I had just landed from Mars. "Payoff?!?" she asked. "Who would want this?" Well, no one really wants it. But the payoff is obviously greater than the trauma. So again the question, "What is the payoff?" For the next couple of sessions, we probed further until she finally realized that her payoff was that being a victim gave her an identity. She admitted to not having any sense of who she was beyond being abused. Her homework was to not speak at all of her abuse for the next two months but, rather, talk about her talents as a dancer, her travels to Europe, and the years she spent working in an orphanage as a young adult. Again, she looked petrified. But with each session, she shared how she felt more and more confident and like she finally had something valuable to offer in conversation. Furthermore, she was amazed at the people who dropped out of her life when she wasn't focused on being a victim (the sick people) and the people who showed up with similar interests that had become her new friends (the healthy people). For the first time, she expressed feeling equal to them.
In other situations, the payoff of being party to dysfunctional or toxic relationships is having someone who will put up with your own dysfunction or bullshit When your partner or friends are swirling in their own drama, whose going to notice yours? Some people have such a need to feel like a hero that appearing as the healthy rescuer is their payoff. For others, keeping a toxic sick person in their life also keeps generous sick people in their inner circle who will continue to clean up their messes and offer support of time or money. Any of us can find ourselves in a toxic situation from time-to-time and the healthy get out of it as soon as they recognize it. But the one thing that has become crystal clear to me is that those who are repeat offenders are in it for the 'payoff', and this payoff comes at a great cost!
If you find yourself chronically doing the funky chicken dance with toxic people, ask yourself what the payoff is. Be truthful to yourself, then ask what the payoff would be if you made better choices by not allowing toxic people into your inner spheres. Review your true life passions and understand that you will need to learn new behaviors to support better decisions of whom you choose to dance with. It takes some effort, but it is effort well spent and the payoff will be far greater than any you will ever get from allowing toxic people in your life.
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